Sixth Epistle To Dr Okro!

Good Morning, Doc! I’m sorry for leaving you incommunicado for so long. I know how you yearn for news from the land of the living about your motherland. It has taken long, but do take consolation that I’ve finally fulfilled my promise to give you a detailed report about happenings in your motherland. I hope the letter reaches you in good condition.

Much water has passed under the bridge since we last had a konkonsa about happenings in your motherland. President Ogwanfunu and his eagle-headed Umbrella were given a very humiliating thrashing at the December 2016 polls by their main opponents riding on the Great Elephant. The flurry of punches from short Nana Addo sent gigantic President Ogwanfunu crushing to the ground. We all saw the copious nose-bleeding and the puffy face before Referee Charlotte Osei counted him out in the tenth round. Nobody could tell the extent of damage but one thing was clear: President Ogwanfunu did receive a very severe beating.

Fortunately for him, there was ‘Onaapo Bitters’, a concoction which served as a catalyst to speed up the healing process. It is a potion with 44.4% alcoholic concentration. Though it is a new product, its efficacy cannot be doubted by anyone in the country.

Interestingly, the party you founded, the Red Cockerel, performed miserably at the 2016 presidential polls. The enviable Red Cockerel of your time has lost its appeal. Your daughter, Samia Yaaba, after losing the bid to lead the Red Cockerel in the 2016 polls, has since gone quiet. Sekou too has become a political prostitute whose words carry no weight in the political arena.

Truth be told, your motherland today is a far cry from the one you envisaged during and after the independence struggle. More than sixty years after independence, some of your living compatriots still live primordial lives. By that I mean people sharing water sources with animals; defecating in bushes and open fields; and pupils having classes under trees. As I write, there is a lot of hue and cry following the death of a man who was denied healthcare by six health facilities in the capital due to no-bed syndrome. It is a very sad spectacle indeed!

Another worrying phenomenon in your homeland is the spate of accidents on the roads. The number of deaths arising from these preventable accidents are very worrying, to say the least. I’m sure Ebony the songstress has told you how she painfully left the land of the living to join her ancestors in Samanfoland. Many of her compatriots are yet to come to terms with her departure to Samanfoland.

Doc, I’m reliably informed that you are a great lover of football. You are credited with forming the Republicans F.C, which dominated the local league in the 1960s. Indeed, it was under your tenure that your motherland won the Africa Cup of Nations in 1963 and 1965.

Well, football in your homeland is currently at a standstill. The confusion in the football fraternity was caused by a video released by one of your nephews from the North. The biggest fish in the local football ocean, his cronies and some referees were allegedly caught on tape in compromising situations. The resultant effect is that nothing about football is going on in the country. Indeed, the government has already taken steps to dissolve the mother body of football in the country. Na waa oo!

In the meantime, the Football Mundial in Russia has gathered momentum. Africa was represented by five countries, but the unfortunate news is that your motherland was conspicuously missing. A club owner from Tema proclaimed that we were absent in Russia 2018 because we failed to grease the palms of referees and other officials. You can sigh again, Doc!

The latest konkonsa in town is the removal of the Electoral Referee, Charlotte Osei, and her two deputies. A committee set up by the Chief of all judges in the country recommended their removal on the basis of stated misbehavior and incompetence, pursuant to Article 146 (1) of the Constitution. Yes, you heard right! Removed, not suspended!

Their removal was greeted with joy in many circles, Yours truly inclusive. Yes, I will not pretend to be unhappy. My distrust in the Chief Referee’s neutrality is an open secret.  I even entreated you to help us with prayers before the 2016 polls.

However, those under the eagle-headed Umbrella feel otherwise. They believe her removal was a well-rehearsed ploy, which cannot be allowed to stand. They’ve thus threatened to rain on the government a shower of brimstone, if the Chief Referee was not reinstated.

But many of your compatriots are wondering why the reinstatement of only the Chief Referee? Could it be because she is indeed one of their own as alleged by those riding on the Great Elephant?

Doc, these are very interesting times in your motherland. I hope the latest addition to our natives in Samanfoland, the second biggest tree from the Umbrella stock, will give you more updates before I write to you again.

I hope to meet you in the distant future, Deo volente!